December

I love December. I love the brisk cold air mixed with the smell of burning firewood. I love snuggling under a blanket with a big cup of hot chocolate. I love the smell of our Christmas tree just after we brought it home from the tree farm. I love celebrating the birth of our savior with my very own precious miracles. I always say that I love Christmas…well I do…but most of all, I love December. Now that summer is almost here, I long for the feeling that December brings to me. Ya see…Bella was born in December…right at the very beginning of the month. She made her grand entrance into my life on the 1^st. What a beautiful way to start a month off. I was so scared….scared of her…scared of myself….scared of what I would never be anymore. I would never be just Monica…I would never be able to sleep again…I would never be “single”…I would never stop worrying. How in the world was I going to be a mom? One minute I’m me, the next minute…I’m lost. I had to do this all by myself. But. I was never alone…I always had my dad. When everyone else looked down on me…he didn’t. When everyone else ran away from it all…he was there. It wasn’t as scary as I thought. At 11:00 A.M that Wednesday morning…everything changed. I held her….oh how I held her. I breathed her in…I cradled her so close…so warm…so soft. She fit ever so perfectly in my arm…her rosebud mouth puckering and her dark eyes searching for me. In that very moment, I became everything I was ever supposed to be. A beginning and an ending to a life….my life. Mine. She was mine. My life. This was it! My journey started that day. It has sure been hard at times, but it has sure been amazing. Bella is five years old now. Five sweet, beautiful years have passed. She is exactly as I always imagined her to be. Sassy, smart, beautiful, and hard headed. She has an amazing heart and free spirit. When you meet her…you love her. A mother has to endure so much. The worry, the heartbreak, the late nights… A mother…it’s all I have ever wanted to be. Now my first born…my sweet memories…my big girl…is going to kindergarten. I am having a tougher time with this than I thought I would. I have found myself psychotically watching her sleep and crying because I miss her already. Sometimes I think about leaving Chris all snug in our bed just to go and cuddle my baby girl while she sleeps. Is that healthy? Haha. Maybe. Or maybe not…who cares. There won’t be too many more years that I will get to do that. I think I may just take advantage of it while I can. The years just come and go…leaving us wondering were they ever real. Take advantage of that late night or early morning…it’s God’s gift to you. :)